Top Five Friday #3

Top Five Friday #3

-Worst Superhero Movie Scenes Ever-

This is a tough list to make. Not merely because you have to narrow down the top five worst comic book scenes of all time, which is in itself a difficult task. Honestly, Hollywood has had a very bad record adapting graphic novels to the big screen and only recently have started to get them right. However, even with some of the better adaptions, such as X-Men, for example, you have such moments as Halle Berry's Storm "What happens when a toad gets struck by lightning?" line, which my dad and I both saw the other night for my birthday and laughed at what I'm sure was supposed to be a pretty awesome moment for Storm. That moment narrowly didn't make the list, but it's up against some pretty awful competition. You not only have to narrow down the list, but you have to remember and watch some of these scenes again, which is excruciatingly painful.

Imagine being set on fire while somebody simultaneously punches you in the face and simultaneously douses you with acid while simultaneously shooting you in the knee caps and at the same time, has your significant other break up with you while your boss fires you while shoving you into a lake full of boiling lava filled with special lava-resistant piranha. Watching some of these scenes is, honestly, I think more painful.

Now, I've tried to focus on some of the more prominent adaptations of superheroes on the list, because it would be easy to mock Nick Fury, Steel, or Supergirl, but let's focus on some of the bigger names and modern adaptations in which they have just completely made me want to slam my hand into a car door or something similar just to give my body some other amount of pain to focus onto.

Note of course, that this is just a top five list. These are for me, my least favorite scenes in superhero movies. Many of these movies, I will either fast forward past this scene or probably am unable to watch the films any longer. I'm sure that after I write this list, I'll end up talking about the blog with somebody and realize that there are other far more deserving moments on the list, but after a lot of thought, I'm wondering whether this is a good idea after all. I mean, just thinking about some of these scenes have me so angry. Angry enough to turn into Hulk, which makes me think of Ang Lee's interpretation, which makes me think about Hulk poodles and his dad becoming Absorbing Man or the entire ending sequence or....deep breathes, Richard. Deep breathes. While I go find a stress ball or something, here for your consideration:

5. X-Men 3: The Last Stand (2006) Cyclops Killed Off Screen
To be perfectly candid, I almost didn't include this scene simply because it never happens actually. When Bryan Singer left the X-Men franchise to go direct Superman Returns after his admittedly fantastic work on the first two installments, he forever altered (read: killed) the directions of two promising franchises. By handling the reins of direction over to Brett Ratner (a man we both know can't finish a trilogy - Rush Hour 3 is one of the worst movies I've ever had the unfortunate "privilege" of watching and in theaters no less. I don't blame my brother though who dragged us to go see it - he couldn't have known. Nobody could've). The fact that Brett Ratner was given control of the franchise was a troubling sign to say the least. Producers were also upset at James Marden, the actor who played Cyclops, for signing on to play a role in Bryan Singer's superman. The whole scene plays out like revenge, but the real ones who suffered were the audience. A very popular character from the first two films, one of the original X-Men, the leader of the group and one of the main characters, is killed OFF-SCREEN. You read that right. He wasn't even given the dignity of an on-screen death, never mind the fact that his death in the film makes absolutely NO sense.
After Scott and Jean share a passionate, "last" moment together, Xavier apparently senses a great disturbance in the force and sends Logan & Ororo out to the lake. There, they find Jean Grey, Scott's glasses and no body to put them on. Logan doesn't mention this to anybody else apparently and instead, just confronts Jean about them later as she is apparently very stressed about it and the glasses disintegrate in Logan's hand in what I'm guessing is a not so subtle hint about what happened to Cyclops. Even worse, nobody seems to care. I certainly did, and one of the only reasons I continued with the film was to see whether it could redeem itself (it didn't) and whether Cyclops was somehow still alive. I even stayed after the credits to see whether they would reveal Cyclops being alive and if they had, I might've been able to forgive the rest of the film. However, Cyclops was never seen again in the X-Men film franchise and like Cyclops, the franchise died a sad, inglorious death. However, in a sign of eternal optimism and/or stupidity (I really thought that Cyclops would be back), I'm still hoping for X-Men 4....


4. Spiderman 3 (2007) - Emo Dancing.
The black symbiote is one of the most famous storylines in comic books as is the character Venom, but somehow, when it came to film, it translated into this scene of Peter Parker emo dancing on the streets of New York City. I don't exactly know what emo dancing is, but calling this emo dancing is probably an insult to the term. The symbiote is an alien lifeform, one which causes your inner desires and emotions to emerge in increasingly dangerous and hateful ways. I can only imagine that the film makers hated the audience and wanted to punish them in some way. Pay special attention (if you can make it through the clip) right near the end, at about :46 seconds as Peter gets down with his 'bad self' as people veer away from him as if afraid of catching whatever moron disease he's caught. A low point for the movie, for the franchise as a whole and shockingly enough, not the only dancing scene in the film (one of three in fact - an inexplicable decision), but it was probably this scene which led to, as with Superman coming up, a reboot of the entire film franchise.


3. Superman Returns (2006) - Superman Has A Kid.
"Congratulations - it's a boy!" Normally these words would be greeted with joy - not so in this uneven (to say the least) film adaptation. Superman Returns was a good film, although not a great film by any stretch of the imagination, as it was sadly hampered down by scenes of Stalker Superman and the Kryptonite Mountain and Lex Luthor again (apologies to Kevin Spacey). However, the worst moment in a movie which was otherwise pretty enjoyable was the reveal that Superman had a kid. The fact that Superman had a child doesn't bother me so much as the reasons why it was done and how it was done. For example, Superman didn't have a child in the comic books and apparently was done in an attempt to make Superman more "relatable". In the famous I'm A Marvel...I'm a DC series on Youtube, the third installment covered this very well as Spider-Man asks "They thought the best way to make you relatable to younger audiences was to give you an illegitimate child?" Touche. It's a very valid point. Not only did they introduce an element not covered in the comic books, they did it in such a way that ensured that this would have to be rebooted and of course, now it is. Superman is one of the easiest characters to connect with in comic books, despite his alien origins and near limitless powers. Watch the video - it makes the point quicker than I ever could. This scene is so high up because it just shows exactly what happens when filmmakers stop trying to take what makes the character work and instead imprint their own vision onto the character, which results in failure - every...single....time.


2. Batman and Robin (1997) - The Entire Movie
The Batman movies, lock up the top two spots with ease. When it comes to Batman and Robin This is a film so bad, that it led to the entire franchise being given up. Most of the cast has never completely recovered. I'm pretty sure comic book adaptations in general have a restraining order against Joel Schumacher. Later, when I do my worst comic book movies of all time, this is almost guaranteed to be a lock for number one, although the whole early Batman franchise might just nab the top spot. In fact, I don't know why opponents of Arnold Schwarzenegger out in California didn't just show this movie to voters - I can't imagine him ever being elected. George Clooney actually apologized for it and so should everybody involved. I defy you to find a moment in the film where it doesn't suck. It can't be done. So, singling out one horrible moment was just impossible. There are just too many to choose from (Bat Ice Skates, The Bat Credit Card, every time Mr. Freeze opens his mouth, Uma Thurman's portrayal of Poison Ivy, Bane being reduced to an idiotic thug able to be beat up by Batgirl, Batgirl being Alfred's niece, Alfred's Macgregor's Syndrome storyline, to every single moment in the film). From the opening scenes to the final moments, it is one of the worst things you'll ever see on film - EVER.
Fun Fact: Rumor has it that the Ring, the movie where the video kills you within seven days of watching it, was based on this movie.


1. Batman (1992) - Alfred Brings Vicki Vale Into The Batcave
"A visitor for you, sir.."
Why in the world would you bring Vicki Vale into the batcave? Why?
What more needs to be said? Seriously. This is, without a doubt, the worst superhero movie moment in history. It will probably be the standard forever. Comic book movies are already too well known for not taking the secret identity seriously (but that is a blog for another day and soon.), as nearly all comic movies usually have the hero have some desperate need to reveal their secret identity and manage to do so throughout the film. This film, however, takes it to a new low as Alfred, Batman's trusted butler, brings Vicki Vale into the Batcave. Just writing the sentence makes me want to punch something or somebody. Alfred is completely trustworthy, has served Bruce Wayne/Batman for some time and in the comics, would never reveal the secret. In the movie, his true motivations will never be known. I don't know whether Alfred was drunk, wanted to raise some Wayne toddlers, angling for a pay raise or what was going on, but this was an epic fail on every level. This is the worst performance by a Butler ever (although Harry Osborn's butler certainly gave him a run for his money in Spiderman 3). Introducing some woman to the biggest secret of Bruce Wayne's life - a woman that he's had minimal contact with thus far and has spent most of the movie stalking Bruce Wayne - and a reporter no less, just is completely indefensible. You can't defend it. In a movie filled with horrible moments, this is definitely the worst. This should never have occurred. In fact, the Batman movies almost deserve a top five list of their own, but perhaps it's best if we are just thankful that Christopher Nolan came along and ensured that we can have Batman movies to be proud of once again.

In fact, thanks to a new generation of filmmakers, producers and other film talent who are taking comic book adaptations seriously, hopefully we will never see scenes like this again. That will be something worthy of celebration for sure and like any celebration, feel free to dance. Do the Batusi.

P.S. - Hopefully this further establishes the fact that dancing and superheroes should not go together. Superheroes shouldn't dance - not Batman, not Peter Parker, not Reed Richards - stop them from dancing. C'MON!!! Okay - I'm going to go calm down now. Until next time, stay classy.

Happy Birthday Wishes To Myself

-Happy Birthday Wishes To Myself-

Well, my birthday was approximately two weeks ago now, so given my natural pace of reporting the news long after it's over, it's about time to talk about it. (Coming up soon, I'll be discussing the state of the comic book world after Marvel was bought out by Disney, DC's reorganization in the wake of it and the Spider-Man reboot - all of which have happened quite some time ago. Better late than never, right?) So, while I'm at it, let me say thank you to all of my friends and family who took time to acknowledge my birthday. Thank you very much. I received a good number of phone calls, texts, Facebook wall posts and other methods to wish me a happy birthday. I really appreciate it and it made my birthday a fantastic one.

This year was my 26th birthday - not a particularly big one, though this does have the potential to be a big year, for me. Last year, of course, was the 25th Anniversary since I was born - which could've and should've been a national holiday. Schools should've been closed down, the nation ought to have taken a moment to stop in reflection and remembrance, parades should've been held in my honor and it could've been a time of great celebration. However, my accomplishments thus far, being what they are, were not recognized and fervor did not sweep the nation. I'll blame in on the recession. Who would pay for the parades, for example? I certainly don't have the funds and given the state of our economy, I wouldn't ask the taxpayer to foot the bill. Seeing as how our economy has not yet been stimulated yet, I decided to keep it low key this year as well. We'll see how our economy is doing for my 30th birthday and I suppose, whether I've done anything worth celebrating by then. Besides being me, of course.

However, even though my birthday is under the national radar this year, that still means doing it right and this year, that meant home. Home to the parents, who know how to spoil a kid like nobody else. This year, I went home to Indiana to stay at my parents for the weekend. I got there early on Friday night where we stayed up chatting for a while, then my dad and I played Wii Fit for hours. Literally hours. That game is a workout for sure. My favorite was the Snowball Fight game, which I rock at. I was like Buddy in the movie Elf. Unstoppable.

The next day I got to sleep in - perhaps a little too late, but regardless, soon enough, we were off to Ft. Wayne and my favorite birthday dinner place - Olive Garden, which for me, is a magical land - of infinite breadsticks and chicken alfredo pizza. Hold on here while I contentedly sigh. What a happy time that was, though surprisingly hard to get into on a Saturday afternoon. From there, we headed to another magical location - a Half-Price book store.

My dad almost had to drag me out of there - I could've spent hours in there. Knowing that it was my birthday, I spent conservatively on only two books - I Am America (And So Can You) by Stephen Colbert, a book of political satire which I enjoyed and Zot: The Complete Black & White Collection (1987-1991), which as the title would suggest, is a compilation of the majority of the run of Zot, a comic written by Scott McCloud, which I loved immensely. Simply amazing.

The half-price book store was amazing and it officially made the list of things that I need to have in my next town. For the record - those are (and I reserve the right to add to the list) - a Chipotle's, Blockbuster, Olive Garden and now a half-price bookstore. Fort Wayne has all of those, so it's definitely moved up on the list. However, some friends and family have informed me that Columbus has those options and also New York. These are some tempting offers - who will win the Richard sweepstakes? If you'd like to enter, by all means, let me know what's so interesting about your town and what job opportunities await. All entries must be made by no later than the end of March or beginning of April. Enter right away to increase your chances.

The rest of the weekend, food-wise, was very fantastic. More pizza, breadsticks, McDonald's, Alfredo pasta and yes, the one and only, strawberry shortcake. As you can see, my parents went all out. Neither were my family slackers in the gift department.

My parents, for example, got me Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, the first major release by Studio Ghibli and a great film, in addition to the surprisingly underrated Iron Giant. My brother got me a World Map shower curtain, which I've been wanting to get since I saw them at a friend's house a few months ago (Lindsey's house in PA) and just was very impressed. I mean, with all the time we spend in the bathroom and with the number of ways we're undereducated about the world in general, why can't we use the time productively? Plus, I also received Bioshock, which is an older game (and by older, I just mean 2007, where it received numerous game of the year awards), but definitely a classic. I've been playing that game for the past week or two since I've received and I am hooked. It's one of the best games I've played yet for my Playstation 3 and when we're talking about Metal Gear Solid 4 and Resident Evil 5 as the competitors, that's saying something.

My sister got me Civil War, a trade paperback collecting one of the biggest events in comic book history of the past decade and Sense And Sensibility And Sea Monsters , because you can't go wrong with the classics. This comes from the creators of the amazing Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which is to me, one of the best books. Seriously, how did people go through books without monster mayhem? I simply can't imagine it and am looking forward to the upcoming movie adaptation. If you thought that Colin Firth, Keira Knightly or Bride & Prejudice set the standard, just watch in shock (and awe) as Natalie Portman battles zombies (and her own heart) in the film. This will be one of the ideas that I'll always kick myself for not coming up with first.

Throughout the birthday weekend, I got to hang out and talk with family (at varying intervals), which was a real blessing. I got to hear the saga of my adoption, which was met with fond recollection and was extremely touching. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end and eventually, I had to go back to Illinois. It gets harder every time I come home to visit, but here in a few months, I will probably be calling some new place home.

I heard it said once that "You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime." Which is true. Looking over my birthday blog here, you can tell that I'm still young at heart. I still love video games, sleeping in, superheroes, comic books, monsters and hanging out with family. But, that doesn't mean I have to be immature. Believe it or not, you can like comic books and still be professional. It's true people.

But, here in a few months, I'll be making one of my biggest decisions as I decide where I'll be living next, where I'll be working next, where my friends that I'll depend on will be in these all too important years and where I could even end up meeting my wife. It's a huge decision and one I don't take lightly. So, as I remember this birthday, just keep me in your prayers and thoughts. Thanks to all who made it memorable, touching and definitely a birthday that I don't ever want to forget.

However, even in this time of upcoming decisions, of growing older, of getting wise, I take heart in what I've been told by Robert Browning, Frank Sinatra and even Metal Gear Solid -

The Best Is Yet To Come.

Top Five Friday (No. 2)

Top Five Friday
-Number 2 (Two)-
-Top Five Romances In Comic Books-

Well, in writing this blog, there were at least two things I realized. First of all, I have been wildly inconsistent with my blogging. In what I hoped would be a weekly installment or at least a semi-regularly installment, this is only my second Top Five Friday, which is completely unacceptable and should not be tolerated. Second of all, I realize that this would've been far more timely preceding the holiday of Valentine's Day, but one thing I'm certain of is that romance should be in season no matter what.

If you're still looking for a little romantic inspiration, you really can't go wrong with some of the classic romances found within the printed pages of the graphic novels found in your local bookstore (half price or otherwise) or feel free to support your local comic book shop. Many of these romances stretch over years, time, space, over continents, through numerous stories and situations that defy belief.

As one of my favorite characters from television, Logan Echolls put it to describe another one of my favorite romances on one of my favorite television shows (Veronica Mars), "I thought our story was epic, you know? You and me. Spanning years, and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed. Epic!" Indeed. These are some of the most epic romances ever put to the printed page and deserve to be treated as such.

Without further ado -

5. Bigby Wolf and Snow White (Fables) -

Snow White: "Do you think happily ever after is possible after all?"
Bigby Wolf: "We'll see."

With these two, I certainly hope so and can't wait to see what happens next. This is certainly one of the newer romances on the list, since the critically acclaimed series Fables has only been around since 2002. However, the characters are based on two names in the literary world that everybody is familiar with (Snow White and the Big Bad Wolf) ensures their status on the list. I won't spoil anything about their romance (although including them on this list is a minor spoiler already), but I am a big fan of this relationship and can't wait to see them continue to blow other relationships away in the comic book scene.

4. Batman and Catwoman (Batman) -

Batman: "I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you."
Catwoman: "Marry me."
Batman: "Everything except that." (He'll come around...)

If you thought your ideal of romantic tension is Ross & Rachel or Jim & Pam, they have nothing on Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle. The underlying chemistry between the two is a constant in the Batman universe and a tantalizing tease on whether these two vigilantes will ever officially embrace each other in order to realize their relationship. They've been enemies, allies, lovers and no matter what, the dichotomy between the two has yet to grow old. Once Batman returns this coming year, I'll be interested to see what new path their relationship takes as they fight crime, and occasionally each other, in Gotham City.

3. Scott Summers and Jean Grey (X-Men)

"Once upon a time, there was a woman named Jean Grey, a man named Scott Summers.
They were young.
They were in love.
They were heroes."

In those few sentences, Chris Claremont defined one of the greatest romances in the history of comic books. Jean Grey belongs with Scott Summers. No doubt in my mind. When it comes to Scott and Jean, their love truly does stretch across time and space, in some cases quite literally when the Phoenix Force becomes involved. Their story has seen its fair share of complications, twists and turns, ups and downs, the most recent being that Jean Grey is currently not among the living. However, like the Phoenix, I'm certain that Jean Grey will be back and their romance will burn even brighter than before.

2. Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson (Spider-Man)

"You just hit the jackpot, tiger!" - Mary Jane Watson.

Peter Parker certainly did and as it turns out, so did the readers. Out of the death of one of the most ideal romances and characters ever (Gwen Stacy), came what turned out to be one of the better (if not one of the best) romances in comic books. As big a fan as I am of Spider-Man, it's almost inconceivable to me that they aren't number one on the list, but recent events (One More Day) have forced me to place them at number two as Marvel appears to want us to pretend that they never happened. Ever. At all. But, in spite of Mephisto or Marvel editors, these two are undeniably unforgettable. We'll see these two together again and the comic book universe will be better off for it. We all will.

1. Clark Kent and Lois Lane (Superman) - Even without the most recent events of One More Day over, it'd be hard not to place these two at number 1. Lois and Clark.

"Lois Lane: Will we see you? Around?
Superman: I am always around."
- Superman Returns

And if we're lucky, this couple always will be. For over 70 years now, this has been the definitive comic book romance. From the start, it was always Clark Kent in love with Lois Lane, while Lois Lane is madly in love with Superman, always so close to discovering his secret identity, although common sense would always indicate that she knew before Clark Kent trusted her enough to reveal the secret. Regardless, that old familiar dynamic is a thing of the past as they've been married for many years now and now, their romance is probably one of the strongest you'll find in the comic book universe or anywhere else. Nothing can stop these two - they've been through it all and come out even better every single time. Superman and Lois Lane really do soar up, up and away over all the other couples as this is the stuff that superhero love stories are made of.

These are my top five, but there are so many other relationships that you can read about in comic books that are just as great. For example Bruce Banner and Betty Ross (a real Beauty and the Beast story), Reed And Sue Richards, Ralph and Sue Dibney (not even death can separate them), Green Arrow and Black Canary, Hal Jordan (Green Lantern) and Carol Ferris, Wally West and Linda Parks. If you're twisted, you could look at the example set forth by Harley Quinn and the Joker. Oh, and let's not forget Hawkman and Hawgirl, who continually are reincarnated and killed throughout history, only to find each other and fall in love again. Regardless of your opinion of graphic novels, that is epic.

Even though good romance finds joy in the day to day, in the little things that make your relationship work, in the tiny things that only you know and make you smile even when you're having a bad day, and rejoices in just finding comfort knowing that they're there - who doesn't want a little epic awesomeness in their love story? Everybody does.

Lost In Translation

-Lost In Translation-

Personally, I believe so many of the world's problems can be due to a breakdown in communication. If you examine so many of the issues that we witness in this world, many of them can be reduced to the fact that communication simply didn't occur. For example, I think we can all agree war is an awful, awful thing. What makes it more terrible is that it is really never necessary. It's a last resort when one side or both opt to resort to violence as the means to solve their problems. It means they no longer are able or interested in continuing to try to solve the problem. Dialogue breaks down and rather than talk about their problem, they decide they'd rather have the person dead than try to work it out.

But, unfortunately, many people don't know how to communicate. It's not limited to any particular stereotype, ethnic group or country. There are far too many people, myself included at many times, who don't know how to express what they want or what they want people to do. For example, I just watched a video from This Is Our Moment, a website which appears to be supported by several celebrities and dedicated to "mobilizing America for a sustainable future" Their short-term goal would appear to be making sure that the Clean Energy Jobs and American Power bill that is currently in the Senate gets passed. It states that it's one of the most important pieces of legislation in our time but doesn't state, which I think would be crucial, is how. On the website or in the video, there is really no explanation of what the bill is supposed to accomplish or most importantly, how. I would love to get behind something like this - making ourselves reliant on our energy to countries that would like nothing more than to see us dead has never made sense. But, tell me how this bill is going to accomplish what it does. If it's that important, right?

Perhaps an even better example would be one of the top issues that has dominated headlines for the past year here in the United States - health care. I don't think anybody can deny that our health care system needs to change. I mean there are still some people who maintain that our health care system is the best in the world, but it's not. Last time I checked, our health care system ranked 37th in the world, pulling right ahead of Slovenia (go us!), so yeah, it's pretty clear we need to do some work. A great majority of Americans are uninsured and even those who are avoid major, in some cases necessary, procedures because they simply can't afford them. If we are the best health care system in the world, people who need health care, should be able to get it. But we don't and they can't. But, the health care reform is in "critical condition" or "life support" because they have failed to explain how this health care reform will affect the average American, how it will help them, how it will be paid for and how it works. Again, huge breakdown in communication and now, this much-needed piece of legislation probably won't happen and if it will, it's going to be woefully inadequate.

This failure to properly communicate what you're about can even extend to Christianity. A fantastic book called Unchristian, which everybody should read, discusses what people think about Christianity and why. Not to spoil the book at all, but it should be no surprise to you that people have a negative image of Christianity. People view Christians as judgmental, intolerant, hypocritical. More than a public relations problem, this is a communications issue. It's not the message - the message is the same as it's always been, but it's the messengers who aren't communicating the same loving message that Jesus did. Again, the problem is communication as we have completely managed to misrepresent the greatest message ever told. How did it come to that?

The great newscaster, Edward R. Murrow once said, "The speed of communications is wondrous to behold. It is also true that speed can multiply the distribution of information that we know to be untrue." We live in an era of basically instant communication through Facebook, twitter, texting, e-mails, cell phones and the like. It's easier than ever to get your point across nowadays, but so many of us fail to. And if we do, it's oftentimes not what we wanted to get across at all. We have to really be careful with what we're saying, what we're telling people, what we're communication. Why do so many of us have trouble saying what we want out of life, what we want to do and what we want to communicate to the people we share this world with? I think this is an issue that affects everybody - a basic problem that we need to overcome through honest dialogue, direct discussion and above all, clear communication.

Even after all that, I don't know whether I said what I meant to in order to make it understandable, but I hope it came across and that my random (rambling) thoughts made sense to you. Feel free to let me know your thoughts or ideas on this subject and as always, stay classy.

This post was written with the help of the new Motion City Soundtrack album My Dinosaur Life, out in stores today and wherever music is sold.