Say No to the ShamWow

-Say No To the Shamwow-

This post is dedicated to Billy Mays. If you've ever been an insomniac or had trouble sleeping, found yourself in front of the television, flipping through the channels, chances are you've come across the enthusiastic face and voice of Billy Mays as he promoted one product or another. Now, when I have cable once again, I'll flip through various "as soon on tv" commercials and there will no doubt be a void left in the commercial advertising industry, if not my heart. It's a sad day. Billy Mays - 1958 to 2009 - you will not be forgotten.

Now that Billy Mays is gone, who will the commercial advertising industry look to as they've lost one of their proudest and most vocal pitchmen? Certainly not Vince Offer, better known as the "Shamwow Guy." I'm sure by now most people have heard of the "Shamwow", a cleaning product which bills itself as a towel, chamois and sponge all-in-one. As a product I've heard, they work very well and in fact, the company that produces them has a 10 year gurantee on them. You can find them in most stores, but right now, that should not be the case. Not when the man promoting their product is somebody who is a violent deviant.

You may look at this picture and you may see what I do. Vince Offer is a little smug and a little calculating - like a shark. Now, what would it eally mean to be a smug, psychotic Shamwow salesman? It could mean a lot of things, but surely it doesn't mean that he would violently beat up a prostitute?

Wrong.

Now, I'll admit this story is an old one, but it's not my fault I haven't heard about it until recently. It's one that was virtually ignored in the media, reduced to being reported on a few websites and lampooned on "Jimmy Kimmel Live". Certainly not the media coverage it deserved. Now, granted, there are certainly far more important issues that should be covered in the news (the Iraq War, the cap-and-trade bill being voted on in the Senate, the state of the American economy, preventive detention, the elections in Iran), but all I'm saying is that I wish I'd heard about this earlier. Perhaps it actually did get all the media coverage it deserved, which is virtually none, but I would've liked to be in the loop on this one.

On February 27, 2009, Vince Offer was arrested in Miami Beach, Florida under his real name, Vince Schlomi. The charge was felony battery, after an altercation with a prostitute. According to the police report and several websites, Vince paid $1000 for the services of a "lady of the evening" - for the evening. Sometime during the festivities of the evening, the two of them kissed and the 26-year old woman bit his tongue. Not only did she bite, but she refused to let go. In a moment of no doubt pure pain, panic and rage, he punched the prostitute repeatedly. I would advise you not to go look at the pictures of the incident. They are pretty brutal. I can understand his reaction to having his tongue bitten, which I can only imagine is a very painful thing to endure. However, I can't condone his actions. Neither should you.

That is why I would advice you not to purchase a Shamwow. If you haven't yet, don't. Every time you purchase a Shamwow, it's like you're implicitly endorsing abuse. Now, somebody (without any heart) may say that it's just a prostitute, but a person's a person, no matter their profession. In fact, in the defense of these women, prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. Now what that says about the world and the human condition, I don't care to speculate right now or go into, but it does say something. What I want to say though is that beating up on a woman is not something to be approved of, no matter who they are, what they do and what they've done. Nor can one approve using the proceeds from your advertising to purchase the services of a prostitute. Personally, I can't even understand it, as you would think the allure of having sex with strangers of a hotel would wear off pretty quickly. But, it's stood the test of time unfortunately.

Now, the ShamWow website sells you eight ShamWows (4 large and four mini) for the price of just $19.95, plus 7.95 S & H. At these prices, for $1000 (one thousand) dollars, that is approximately 288 ShamWows. (Yeah. I did the math.) With the purchase of those Shamwows, Vince is not only purchasing the services of 'hookers', but physically beating and abusing them as well. How can one even stand to look at the ShamWow now, much less purchase one? No amount of Shamwows can clean up all that shame....

(As is usual with my blogs, I usually release an accompanying video and here is one that I discovered posted on YouTube that is a Tribute To Billy Mays. Truly, heaven may have just received one of its best promoters ever. God bless Billy Mays.)

Nine Days

-Nine Days-

You may be thinking this is a blog about that one hit wonder band who wrote the song Absolutely (Story Of A Girl) back in 2000, but you're probably not. If you were though, you'd be wrong but possess some great musical memory. You may also be thinking that with school being out, the weather getting warmer, the blockbusters coming out in theaters and everything feeling more free, that it was summertime. Unfortunately, you'd be wrong. ...again...technically.

If you want to get technical (and I don't want to but I will anyway), summer doesn't officially start until June 21st, which is nine days away. With spring ending though and summer on the verge of starting, I've been surprisingly busy. That has led to less blogs and me trying to catch up. So, I've decided to post three-blogs-in one today. That's right - three blogs in one, for the low price of like five to ten minutes of your precious time. It's a pretty good offer and to kick us off, I'll discuss -

Karma Chameleon

If you like music from the 1980s, then you should instantly recognize the name of that song, which was the number one song of 1983, from the band Culture Club. Karma Chameleon was a wordwide success despite the nonsensical nature of the music video and the overall androgynous creepiness of Boy George. No matter what you might say about it though, it's a catchy song and I'd listen to the song only if you're willing to get it stuck in your head. Because it will. But, we're not here to go over the inherent power of 80's music, but instead to think about Karma Chameleon itself.

I was listening to the song a few days ago and simultaneously discussing with a friend the most recent Indiana Jones installment. Needless to say not a good combination. Now, perhaps it was the heat, boredom, tiredness, temporary insanity, or rage over Indiana Jones IV or needless sequels in general. Regardless, I began to think about Karma Chameleon as an actual creature (No - keep reading!) as like some kind of vengeful creature who attacks people after they have accumulated too much bad karma. A chameleon can blend into pretty much anywhere, although for maximum striking power, I'd make him larger than his usual size and more something resembling a komodo dragon. Ideally, he'd look very friendly and charming, like the Geico Gecko but make no mistake, he would attack once you've exhausted all your good Karma.

For example, you could look at George Lucas, who was involved with Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. That would certainly contribute a lot to his bad karma. Typically, George Lucas has a great deal of good karma due to his involvement in great movies like Willow, Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope, Labyrinth, the early Indiana Jones installments and even underrated films like Radioland Murders. I even liked Hook and the Land Before Time before they made approximately a million sequels. (only slightly exaggerating). But, travesties like the Star Wars prequels, Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, anything to do with the Ewoks, Jar Jar Binks, the Star Wars Holiday Special and Howard the Duck would certainly contribute to some bad karma and test the Karma Chameleon's patience.

So, in an effort to help my own good karma and to keep the attention of Karma Chameleon on more deserving individuals, I'll do my part to help others. Ocassionally in my blog, I'll try to do some kind things like spotlight good causes, point out ways to help others and reviewing terrible movies to spare others from having to watch them. Now, to kick off getting good karma, I'd like to present

Red Door Furniture

In an era where we have an African-American President, it'd be easy to declare that racism is over. But, sadly, it's still around and it's still an injustice that needs to be eradicated. Thankfully, there are people out there dedicated to helping fight injustice and to that end, we have Red Door furniture, which is unfortunately located in North Carolina, which is unfortunately a little bit too far to go browsing in, although you can check out the website but even better, check out this video, where you can see them trying to unite the country - and provide good furniture. What more can you ask for? Seriously, it should warm your heart as they get to the end of the video, where they declare: "Red House, where black people and white people buy furniture.", followed up with "And Hispanic people too..." and then stirringly, "All people". Can't we all just get along? Watch the video - Red House Commercial. It's classic.

Top Five Friday
-Number Two-
-Top Five Shows That Should Not Have Been Canceled-

Well, it's time for summer and not time for watching television, but as summer begins and the previous television season ends, it's time to take a moment to mourn a few shows that won't be back with us next year. This list will discuss a few of the best shows that we believe should still be around and so it won't cover shows that ended their run as planned such as ER, Battlestar Galactica, the Shield or Prison Break. Nor will it discussed shows that should've ended their run long ago or never been created such as According to Jim, Knight Rider, Kyle XY or Osbournes: Reloaded. Instead, we'll discuss such great televison, such as:

1. Pushing Daisies - Touted as a "forensic fairy tale", it was created by Bryan Fuller with Lee Pace starring as Ned, a pie-maker who can bring people back to life, but with some strong conditions and Anna Friel as the adorable Chuck, who Ned resurrects in the pilot. Kristen Chenoweth and Chi McBride were part of the great supporting cast, with the talented Alan Dale narrating this clever show. Quirky, fun, daring and ultimately ahead of its time, it lasted only two amazing seasons. This is one show that Ned can't resurrect, sadly.

2. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - I'm still wondering why this show was canceled and the disappointing Dollhouse was renewed. This was a great show where you could see some fantastic acting and action each week from people like Lena Headey, Thomas Dekker and the awesome Summer Glau, who many fans will recognize from Firefly (another show that Fox canceled way too early). I'm so mad at Fox for canceling this show, but perhaps with the upcoming movie, there was just too much Terminator and unfortunately, unlike the real Terminator, this one won't be back.

3. Life On Mars - I'm sad to say that this won't be nearly as successful as the British series it was based on, although I can't tell you why. Featuring a fantastic cast that included Jason O'Mara, Harvey Keitel, Gretchen Mol and Micheal Imperioli, this show was a great blending of multiple genres such as the police procedural, action show, science fiction and deserved to be given more of a chance than it did. At least the cancellation decision gave the producers enough time to wrap up the storyline decently, but I wish there could've been more. If only I could go back in time to convince them of that.

4. Reaper - While this show isn't officially canceled, it doesn't look promising and any future iteration of the show would be appearing on Sunday nights on select CW affiliates. It's on life support and the reaper is here to claim this one. I think we'll have to part with this one, although it had an interesting premise of a young slacker whose parents sold his soul to the devil and is now forced to work for the devil to retrieve lost souls who have escaped. With a great cast of Bret Harrison, Missy Peregrym, Tyler Labine and Ray Wise, this show should have lasted a lot longer than it did. I can only hope this show ends up in tv heaven.

5. Kings - This one is one that never caught on, although it was an ambitous and exceedingly intriguing show. Set in the nation of Gilboa, which is very similar to the United States and is a modern day retelling of the story of King David, as the series begins with the well-known story of Goliath with a present day twist and continues with all of the twists and turns you could expect. A fantastic premise, excellently acted, well told story and the cast was great with Christopher Egan, the immensely talented Ian McShane, Brian Cox, Leslie Bibb, Allison Miller, Macalculay Culkin, Wes Studi and yet, despite it all, it will have only lasted one season. I'll lay the blame on NBC for not promoting the show properly, but regardless, it's gone the way of Goliath.

But, no worries. There will still be great television to watch when summer is over, but until then, just have fun and stay classy.